Chapter 15: Being Available for Internet Dating

So, at 59, I decided I would try internet dating. My friend Mary decided that the internet would be my salvation because she was sick of me complaining about how I couldn’t believe I might never have sex again.

What exactly do you write about yourself on your profile? The first bit is easy, you know: height, smoker or not, eye colour – general assorted questions. Then there were a load of questions about education, favourite music, attitude to stress – those sorts of things – with drop down boxes, one of which said ‘ask me later’, which is fine when you’re being asked about your income, for example, but some people chose that one for everything! One guy e-mailed me to ask me what I was ‘into’. I emailed back and said, “I just checked your profile to think of some questions to ask you and it was almost completely blank, so why don’t you complete your profile first…”

Now comes the tricky bit, where you have to share some personal stuff about what you’re really like.

Does anyone do that honestly, really? Here’s what I said about myself (with comments about why I chose to say those things):

I would describe myself as: fun, spiritual (might as well get that in right up front), contented, joyful, unconventional (no one has asked me in what way yet) and independent. I’ve done a lot of travelling for work (I wanted to show I have had a life). Now enjoying living in the heart of Connemara, taking two years off to decide how to spend the next 25! (I wanted to show that I still intend to have a life) Great sense of humour. Like most sports, especially football (I didn’t say anything about my damaged Achilles tendons – I’d spent more time hobbling than walking those past 18 months). Love reading and films and good conversation.

What I didn’t say was: I’m a celebrant (that’s ‘celebrant’ not celibate) and conduct weddings; I’m open to relationships with men and women (not that those two necessarily go together). I decided that was way too much information and there would be a good chance I would never get any replies at all – I’ve had precious few as it is. Of course, some people cop out entirely and say, “I could make anything up here, so just ask me…” Like once you get asked you are compelled to tell the truth…

So now, the next part:

My ideal partner would be: not sure I want another partner actually. So, why on earth am I doing this? I really enjoy living on my own. But I’m looking for a creative relationship with someone who is fun to go out with and easy to relax with. Someone who is comfortable in his own skin and is interested in his own spirituality. Someone I get excited about seeing. Someone who makes me laugh. Someone who makes me feel special.

That last sentence sums it up really:

Basically, I wanted to fall in love and I wanted someone to fall in love with me.

I wouldn’t trust it, of course, and would recognise it for exactly what it is – a strong magnetic attraction, not seeing faults, the butterfly business. Although I had had two serious relationships – one for 27 years and the other for seven years – the fact is I was never in love with either of them. I loved them both very much, but I was never ‘in love’ with them. It’s the ‘in love’ thing I wanted to experience – the nearest I’ve come to those feelings was with a much younger guy (and a woman actually, but that’s another story entirely). What I didn’t say was that I wanted someone who was a really good lover. It’s a while since I had sex, even longer since I had great sex and a very long time since I had fantastic sex. If I’m going to have any sex at all, it had better be really good. Which begs the next question, how do you tell that from a profile? I wanted intimacy also.

I wanted to be really seen – to be really known – and still loved. I wanted to see and know… and love.

I don’t think that’s so unusual, is it? Doesn’t everyone want that? The problem is that we think that’s what we have signed up for when, in reality, we have probably signed up to an idealised version of someone who doesn’t exist.

The last thing to do is upload a photo. As I am on Facebook, I had also been through the dilemma of which photo, so choosing is easy – except that, in uploading it, it cut the top of my hair off… too bad, there is only so much time you can spend uploading photos.

So, the whole page gets uploaded and within an hour, 89 people had viewed me. I could only see five of them though, unless I paid to join the site properly. I then get punished further for not paying by having to wait 15 minutes before I can read any messages. It’s better than one of the other sites I tried where you had to complete an eight-page profile to get a good match – which doesn’t really answer the question how you are supposed to understand what your chemistry might be like through words alone – then submit your page only then to find out you can’t send or receive messages or even exchange ‘winks’ without paying (they call them ‘icebreakers’ on this site as it’s more of an upmarket one…)

I can’t believe that this is the pick of eligible men in Ireland. I find another site, one that is completely free and even lets you put phone numbers in your emails, if you feel like it. That was where the laughs really began…

For a start, the photos. These included photos from so far away you can’t make the person out, pictures with other people (so you weren’t sure who the guy was and who his friend was), pictures with women (are you kidding?), pictures with children (come on, be serious now), the back of the head… lots of them looked like mug shots from a police file.

Now, in my professional life, I present to people in organisations on how we all judge people by appearances and how we should beware of doing this when at work because, if we don’t like someone, we pull back from them and treat them less well than those we like and that this could have a negative impact on their performance. I even use a picture exercise as part of the session. I can’t help but notice the irony of me looking at these pictures for two seconds, saying, “No, no, no, next, next, no way, move on…”

To be fair, my hypothesis is that we all do this and should at least realise what we are doing. I think it’s different assessing a work colleague and imagining their head on the pillow next to you –

I’m not necessarily just looking for sex but I’m not discounting it either.

Anyway, on this site there were loads of men who put up profiles with no photos, so either they were very unattractive (sorry, not interested) or can’t cope with the technology of uploading a photo (in which case, I’m also not interested) or think that looks are unimportant (maybe the only people who think that are people who don’t look very good?). Some of these men described themselves as ‘handsome’ – ahem – put up a photo. I’ll tell you if you’re handsome…

But what really made me laugh was how people describe themselves, here’s a selection:

nnnnoojwpeokmkwejfjnwnxergwtyvwtyvweywet

rqtjgjtjhtji jykktqwr 4[[4]o5] ]]14 1]45i ][i ipi1[i9p[4u694u6791 u01==3uu6 ==1utj jrtj 0 9 ii-i35-96i 10490 6u690134u6i1349u6409u0 ui25190245u1 0-023 15u0 u5104u350u 0u50043 4105uu04u5ii-12ii6059j

Presumably he couldn’t see his own copy.

I am a decent man who doesent suffer fools gladly, lies,deception, and injustice I wont tolerate yet you will find me a loving understanding and caring person.

Tell me again how understanding you are…

Hi Looking for excitement in my life I am married and plan to stay married.I am looking for some afternoon delight with an exciting woman.Looking for relationship no strings just a bit of fun

Do women really respond to this?

Just see how we get on………………….I am a funloveing man, love to please a women in every way………………i do have respect for women.

I suppose he had to say that last bit in case we thought he might get carried away pleasing us…

This is the difficult part, have never filled out anything like this before so I don’t know what to say.

Well. you sound really interesting…

Am I looking for you ?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXX

Well, with no photo and that in your profile, probably not!

I am looking for someone to talk to or email.Am in need of a good friend right now. Someone to share a laugh and a joke with. I am supposed to be a good listener.

In other words, I hope you’ve got some problems too because I sure as hell have a lot to tell you…

One man said he wanted to, “Explore the outer reaches of human consciousness and human potential.”

I messaged him and said that he was either very brave or very foolish putting that on his profile. I didn’t think I was his soulmate but I bet we could have some cracking conversations… safe to say, he didn’t respond. Another said he was ‘very well endicated’ (I assume he meant ‘educated’, enough said…)

         And the number of men in their late 50s who want children… and the number of men in their 50s and 60s who are looking for women in their 30s and 40s… If I was 40, I don’t think I would be looking for someone who was 60. On the topic of age, the number of young guys (in their 20s and 30s) who viewed me was amazing. When the summary next to my picture says ’59-year-old woman, Galway’, why is a 25-year-old hot guy even looking at my profile… and why are the guys contacting me all less than five feet tall? I know that size doesn’t matter, but it seems to be very important to me.

There are too many to put in more, but you get the idea. Anyway, the same night I put my profile up I got a message from a guy who is 39 and looks very attractive in his photo. Here are his first three messages and my response:

Jon saying hello

hello hows life with you jon here x

r u online

My response:

Yes. I didn’t reply to your earlier notes as if you are only going to send between 2 and 5 words in each communication then it’s going to take years to have a conversation. In this message I see you have gone down to 2 letters and one word…

Anyway, he said he wanted to meet me if I ever came to Dublin but our email communication is sparse, to say the least, and then he sent me another photo and I am glad I wasn’t going anywhere near Dublin…

The last site I joined was the one where you had to pay for everything – they send matches for you to look at, but you can’t contact them. I was sent the details of a guy who was a doctor, goes skiing and has a boat and clearly a lot of money – I could maybe have a nice life with him – but he’s in America and I don’t ski and don’t like the water (so much for the eight page personality profiling) There was one who does look perfect for me but he’s in Vancouver, but wait, here’s one in Dublin, oh, he’s in the statutory ‘less than five foot tall’ category…

Suddenly, I have mail – a 45-year-old Irish guy who looks very serious and wants to meet up for coffee.

He says he likes my picture and profile and that I only look about 45. I message back and tell him he looks very serious and what does he do for laughs and how do I know if I want to meet him, given that he says nothing about himself. He tells me it’s a portfolio shot and to check him out on Google. Turns out that he’s an actor and has done lots of TV work and was even considered for James Bond after Pierce Brosnan left. I say, okay, let’s meet up somewhere and he suggests that he comes over to my place for a bottle of wine or two, a good movie and a chat… yeah, right! I say, “Why don’t you call me and let’s see how the chat bit goes?” Needless to say, I haven’t heard from him.

When I got round to actually dating, I only met two men in person for coffee. I forget the name of the first one. Let’s call him Keith. I had arrived in the coffee bar first so I could see everyone arriving.

I spotted him ordering his coffee. He was tall with a beard and at least looked like his profile picture – that was a good start. But he had cord trousers on, which were faded at the knee, and a shirt that didn’t match his jacket. He reminded me of the men I used to teach with (male teachers were not known for their dress sense). We had exchanged quite a bit of email correspondence, which had gone well. Ever the eager beaver, I used to respond to his emails almost immediately, while he tended to wait a while first. I would have done well to remember this. We sat, stirring our coffees, and he began to tell me about himself. He spoke in a measured tone – the kind of tone a news reader would use.

It was already hard to imagine him as being passionate about anything.

I asked him what he was looking for in a relationship. He said he wanted companionship, comfort, friendship, shared time together and fun. I said, “I had all that in my last relationship but walked away from it after seven years.” He was clearly bemused about why I would do that. I was beginning to wonder that myself! “I wanted more,” I said lamely. I tried to elaborate, “I want to be ‘met’ at all levels – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. I don’t want to settle for less.”

It’s important to say that our relatively short conversation took quite a bit of time, mainly because after everything I said there was a pause, then Keith would say, “So what you’re saying is that…” and then repeat back to me everything I had just said! The first time he did this I thought he might have had a hearing problem and he needed to be sure he had heard correctly. Nope, he did it after everything I said until I was wanting to scream at him and say, “Don’t tell me what I have said – I know what I just said. I want to know what you think about what I said.” Of course, I didn’t say that! Our ‘date’ was short, as was our ‘relationship’ but it made me realise I had built up a picture of Keith based on his profile and emails and the reality was nothing like my creation.

I resolved to meet people as soon as possible into the process to prevent my imagination from ruling the show.

The second guy – let’s call him Bernard – I met for coffee in a local hotel lounge. I saw him walking towards me as I whispered to myself, Please don’t let it be him. He was smaller than he appeared in his pictures and at least 10 years older. I decided that it would be a very quick coffee and asked him a safe question to be polite. He was from Birmingham in the UK, so I asked him what had brought him to Ireland. I don’t think I spoke for the next 20 minutes! Bernard was one of those people who, if he was telling you a story about someone he bumped into at the cinema, would start his story with, “Well, I left the house to get the 7pm bus but I didn’t realise they had discontinued that route, so I needed to go to…”  So, Bernard told me, step by agonising step, how he had ended up in Connemara. By the time he had finished I had lost the will to live. Bernard also had a very unfortunate speech impediment which meant that as he was speaking he would breathe in, making a kind of juicy sound as if imitating someone slurping a drink. I began to count the seconds between slurps and lost the thread of the conversation completely. That ‘date’ was also short lived.

It’s a fascinating world this internet dating. I only looked at four sites and there are so many. It could be a full-time occupation – and maybe it does need to be taken seriously – for how do you meet someone if you are in your 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s?  There must be so many people who could be matched up perfectly. I have a couple of friends who this has worked really well for.

Meanwhile, how do I find romance without it seeming like I am looking for sex?

And there is the bigger question of course – given that I believe we are more than our bodies and I am committed to my spiritual evolution – why am I just not ready to be content with I have (which I am), do my spiritual practice (which I do) and consciously decide to stay celibate from now on? I have the nagging doubt that engaging in a physical relationship will mean I take my eye off my spiritual development and I will lose ground somehow. But, the fact is, I believe passionately in life and I believe in living it passionately and that must be on every level – physical, emotional, mental and spiritual – and so I’m not done yet with the physical, and that’s the truth of the matter. I take heart from the fact that I had a tarot reading recently and was told that my ‘Knight of Wands’ was on his way – full of passion and adventure – and a relationship with him would enhance my purpose in life and not detract from it. I didn’t need to look to find him, he would find me. Okay, so I was on four dating websites, surely that would make me a little easier to find?

I didn’t bother meeting anyone else. As time went on, I became happier and happier on my own and gradually became so selfish with only having to cater to my own needs and wants, that I suppose I would now be difficult to live with. The last fortune teller I saw told me some interesting things and, at the end of the reading, asked me if I had anything to ask. “Will I have another relationship in this life?” I asked. She looked at me then looked away, then looked at me again, then away again then finally she said, “The thing is, you’re not really bothered, are you?”

In truth, I’m not.

Photo

The picture I used on my internet dating profile.

Questions For Reflection

If you were going to consider internet dating how would you describe yourself? And what would you be looking for? If you have tried it have you had any disastrous experiences?

A Blessing While You Reflect

“Though your destination is not yet clear

You can trust the promise of this opening;

Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning

That is at one with your life’s desire”

From John O’Donohue: Benedictus